The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl
by theckel
Summary: “Only the most accurate compilation of Artemis Fowl's adventures - solving crime and doing good along the way!” You already know it's going to be terrible, don't you?
1. Episode 1: Holly's neardeath

_Episode 1, part 1_ – Holly's Near-Death

**Character List:**

Artemis Fowl II – AF  
Captain Holly Short – HS  
Foaly – F  
Butler – B

**o**

_Holly falls down random canyon. She screams. AF runs to the edge._

AF: (Pained) Holly! (Into cell) Foaly! Can't you do anything to help her?!

F: (Pained) I'm trying, but I can't contact her! This is terrible!

AF: Yes, horrible!

_Holly flies up – she had wings!_

AF + F: Holly! You're alive!

HS: (Tearing) Yes, I forgot to initiate my Dragonfly wings. I'm so sorry for worrying you, Artemis.

_AF and HS hug. F can be heard sobbing in the background._

B: I'm happy for you, Artemis. I thought she was a goner.

AF: I know. (Emotional) I was so grief-stricken for those few, short seconds.

HS: Oh, Artemis!

AF: Holly!

_They hug again, moved my each other's words._

AF: I'm so happy you lived. I had no idea you would fall into a random canyon. But you had wings! Who would've thought? (In awe)

HS: I had no idea you cared so much about me!

AF: (Embarrassed) Yes, well, we have been through a lot together.

HS: Oh, Artemis!

_They hug. Again. Butler moves to –_

**o**

Artemis switched off the television with a scowl. "Just what illiterate rubbish is this, Butler?"

"Artemis, I assure you, I had no idea it was going to be this bad." The man replied. Holly laughed in the background, hardly able to contain her amusement. Artemis frowned at her, shaking his head. It _had _been amusing, though. A little. Very little. After a bit of rolling around, she stood up shakily, wiping tears from her eyes. She reached towards Artemis with one of her arms.

"Oh, Artemis!" she cried, clearly mocking the soap opera, before dissolving into a fit of giggles on the thousand-dollar-carpet.

Juliet joined her, laughing. "Artemis, switch it back on. There hasn't been anything this good in ages!"

Reluctantly, the boy handed Butler the remote, not trusting himself to be able to face the nonsense that it was. When the huge plasma TV flickered into life, the set had changed to the interior of a plane. A very familiar plane. "Hey!" Artemis cried, jumping off the couch and pointing, "Who let them into my jet?!" The rest told him to be quiet, and he sank back down, sulking.

**o**

B: Anymore caviar, Artemis?

AF: Why, no thank you, Butler. My tastes have changed with my persona after time with the People and my family! I am now more compassionate, more caring, a better person!

HS: Oh, Artemis! This is wonderful, you have really –

Artemis was muttering something about gibberish, and the horrible series being produced these days.

B: Yes, he has. I'm so proud of my young charge.

AF: (Moved) Thank you, dear friend. You must know that I treasure you. And you as well, Holly.

_Commercial._

_The Adventures of Artemis Fowl will be right back after the break!_

**o**

"That – stupid! I never said he could – I'm not like – this is so ridiculous! Total loss of respect! The _Adventures _of Artemis Fowl?! What kind of – Butler, I demand you contact the studio immediately!" Artemis spluttered, his pale face red. Even Butler couldn't hold in a smile, and the whole room erupted into laughter. The twins were now mimicking Holly, with multiple cries of _Oh, Artemis! _While Angeline and Artemis Senior did nothing to stop the chaos. Artemis started protesting again, but was greeted by multiple 'shh's as the commercial ended and the theme song began again.

* * *

**an; **Well, I've decided to repost this. xD Something I wrote a while back, that's a little lame, but I'm quite fond of it. A very silly little fic, I know. Tell me what you think? :3


	2. Episode 1: Jealousy

_Episode 1, part 2_ – Jealousy

_Text on-screen: Foaly's Inventions: the proud sponsor of The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl._

_Theme music plays. Holly, Butler and Artemis are still in the plane. Holly is sulking in a corner._

HS: (To self) Why, Artemis, did you have to add me on as a _second? _Am I merely a sidekick to you? (Melodramatic) To assist you in your schemes? (Quiets down, but still emotional) Of course, you have saved Haven numerous times, for which I am grateful. (Sudden outburst) But _why _am I mentioned second, as an afterthought?!

_AF and B look at HS, surprised. AF rushes to her side and takes her hand._

AF: (Concerned) Holly! Whatever is the matter?

HS: (Pained to look at him)Do not enter my gaze, fair one!

AF: (More concerned) Holly, are you not feeling well? Butler, Butler! Come assist our dear friend at once! I fear she may be, (Pauses) delusional!

**o**

"Hmm," Artemis started, a small smirk on his face, "Everyone always said television was always right."

Holly punched him on the arm lightly and demanded, "Just what are you implying?"

**o**

_Dramatic music. Holly puts one hand to her forehead, as if faint._

HS: D'arvit! I'm afraid I may have, (Removes hand and turns sharply to look at AF) fallen for you.

_Gasps from AF, B, F._

AF: Holly, I- I don't know what to say. I'm overwhelmed!

**o**

Back in the real world, Holly and Artemis avoided each others' gazes, clearly uncomfortable. The teen fidgeted with his manicured fingernails, and Holly tugged at the sleeves of her jumpsuit. Juliet took one look at Holly, then at Artemis, before doubling up in renowned laughter. "I think it's rather sweet, don't you Arty?" Angeline Fowl asked her son.

"Artemis and Holly _love_?" inquired Myles, looking curiously at his older brother.

"Mother! It's not – oh, forget it," he declared, before standing up and trudging out of the room. There was only so much teasing one genius could take. Holly looked after him anxiously and bit her lip.

"Should we go after him?"

"Oh, of course _you _should, Holly," Juliet told her, grinning madly.

"I'm not – it's not! Oh, forget it!" she said, quoting perfectly without noticing, sitting back down on the couch with her arms crossed, all traces of humour gone from her face. Juliet was still grinning, oblivious to the two's embarrassment, while the rest of the family continued watching the horrible show with.. unnatural interest.

**o**

AF: Holly, I have to tell you this, I –

_AF is caught mid-sentence as the plane lurches. The engines fail._

AF: Oh no! This is terrible! Butler, _do_ something!

B: (Resigned) Artemis, there is little I can do. The plane is crashing.

AF: (Points) No – look out the window! There is nothing wrong with the plane, just that a bird has died on one of the wings. It appears to be a chicken! The plane is no longer even in weight, thus causing us to be unbalanced!

HS: What a genius you are!

**o**

Holly spluttered and choked while Juliet patted her on the back. "Genius? For figuring out that a bird had _died _on one of the wings? I would really just have flown out and fixed the stupid problem myself," she said once she could speak, rolling her eyes.

Artemis poked his head around the door. He hadn't really gone up, that would've been cowardly. He hadn't intended on letting his presence be known, but this was getting on his nerves. "'Thus causing us to be unbalanced'? What simpleton do these people _take _me for? And I am not such a pansy as to ask for Butler's help at every single problem I encounter! He'll tell you himself, right Butler?" Artemis glanced at Butler, before realising the contradiction he had made, "That was a rhetorical question, of course. And also –" Artemis was cut off by the blaring theme song again, marking the end of that episode. He refused to show his relief, but nearly dived to shut the damned television off. Juliet giggled again and received a cold glare from Artemis, but she only shrugged. "But _also_," he continued, "how did a _chicken _get onto one of our wings and _die_?"

"There's still ten minutes of the show left," Holly noticed, puzzled and ignoring Artemis completely.

He, of course didn't take this too well. "I _said_ –"

"We know, we know. Problems, my brother, chickens, dying, whatever," Juliet interrupted, "And, yeah, Holly's right. That's curious."

"Oooh! Maybe there'll be

"Why don't we turn it back on?" Angeline suggested much to Artemis' horror. Now his own _family _had turned against him! "There might be something else we're missing."

"Oooh! Maybe they've included bloopers!" Juliet declared, lunging for the button on the set before Artemis could reach it.

As the unfittingly chirpy theme song came back on, Holly was left wondering, ".. _bloop_ers..?"

**o**

_Credits on-screen: We would like to thank D. Butler for access to Master Fowl's private aircraft.._

**o**

The rest of the people on the 'thanks' list did not receive their due credit, as all the attention in the room shifted to Butler's sheepish face, then Artemis. If looks could kill, Butler wouldn't just be dead. He'd be dead, torn to shreds and fed to meat-eating turtles. But then again, Artemis probably wouldn't want that.

**o**

_Credits ending: Produced by Foaly's Genius Productions._

_The screen changes to a beaming image of Artemis, with a beaming image of Holly next to him. They look unnervingly like the real characters._

Artemis: Hey there, peeps!

Holly: As some of you may know, that wasn't the premiere of The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl – well, it _was_. To the public.

Artemis: What you _probably_ don't know is who the _very _first showing was.. shown to!

Holly: Well we're going to tell you just who they are!

Artemis: They're incredibly special people, and we're honoured that they took the time to –

**o**

"Get _on _with it!" Holly shrieked. Either she _really _didn't like that faux-Holly, or she _really _liked the show and wanted to know. You decide which one you think it is.

**o**

Artemis: – all thanks to our top-notch publicity!

Holly: And now, we are _so _happy to present to you a few reviews from the prestigious group of critics who call themselves the "Fairies". What an odd name! But I'm sure you know them. (Wink)

**o**

Artemis stared. "The _Fairies_?!"

"Shh!" Holly hissed, "They're coming on!"

**o**

_There is a curiously short person wearing a Mickey Mouse mask on-screen. Beside him is another curiously short person in a Minnie Mouse mask. Beside her is another curiously short person in a Goofy mask. Beside him is another curiously short person in a Donald mask. Beside him is another – I think you get the picture._

"It was amazing – I had no idea how they were able to achieve failure on such a level."

"The characters, though meant to be diverse and appealing, are extremely dislikeable."

"The plot is unique to the point of pure idiocy."

_The screen appears to the beaming ArtemisHolly pair._

Artemis: Did you hear _that_, Holly?!

Holly: Indeed I did!

Artemis: This show has garnered words such as 'amazing' and 'unique' from these though critics!

Holly: Not only that, but it's 'diverse' and 'appealing'. I do believe that we _are_.

Artemis: And so the people have spoken!

Holly: Thank you so much for your never-ending support and goodbye for now!

_The screen goes blank._

**o**

The group was speechless.

Finally, the silence was broken by a curious Myles. "Daddy, what's eedosie?"

"It means someone isn't as.. gifted with brains as you are."

"Is Artemis eedosie?"

"That!" Holly interjected, lively, "Is a good question!"

"On the other hand, _that_," Artemis said, gesturing to the television, "was –"

"Sad," Angeline Fowl finished grimly.

Everyone agreed.

* * *

**an; **Life decided to turn around and stab me in the back. It's a little too personal to put up on here, but there _will _be some more information on my profile. On the other hand;  
Many thanks to **Schermionie**, who gave me the idea of putting in some Fairy criticism. :3  
Oh! And also to **anonymous**, who pointed out that Artemis Senior doesn't know about the People. Let's just pretend he does. XD  
And, of course, many thanks to the seven people who have reviewed this so far. C: You are literally the reason why I sat my butt down and extended/edited this to be fit for public eyes.


	3. Episode 2: The Plan

_Episode 2, part 1_ – The Plan

**Character List:**

Artemis Fowl II – AF  
Captain Holly Short – HS  
Foaly – F  
Butler – B

**o**

It had been one week since the premier of The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl, which gained an unnatural amount of views and an overnight fan club. To his intense displeasure, Atermis' family and friends hadn't forgotten about it just yet. He told himself he'd give it just one more week. Yes, one more week, and this torture would be over.

**o**

_AF, HS, B are in aircraft which is crashing. Dead bird located on left wing._

**o**

"Is that –"

"I think it's –"

"Why the chicken green?" Miles asked.

It was very obviously a rubber chicken.

Artemis groaned.

**o**

AF: (Proudly) Fear not, Holly! I have a plan to save us from this cruel, cruel fate!

**o**

Artemis choked on a piece of the dinner roll he was eating while Holly spluttered at the admiring expression on the television Holly's face. Juliet groaned, insisting that they were both overreacting.

**o**

B: Amazing! I would have expected no less from you, Artemis.

**o**

"See – because of you two I don't even know the plan!" Juliet complained, throwing them both dirty looks.

**o**

HS: Don't be modest, Artemis. It's a brilliant plan. (Wistfully) If only we could carry it out...

AF: (Dramatically) Oh, but we can! I have a plan, so that plan can work!

HS: Oh, Artemis! Your genius never fails to impress me!

**o**

The watching group shot each other puzzled looks, having missed the initial plan due to a certain two people. Artemis just shrugged, insisting that this televised version of himself was as stupid as an ant who had just eaten cauliflower. Holly cast him a worried look, "What kind of simile is that?"

"A perfectly normal kind," Artemis replied.

"No, it's not," Holly persisted.

"We're missing more of it!" Juliet wailed loudly.

**o**

B: I have the lollipop sticks! (Brandishes lollipops)

AF: Splendid! How I love lollipops!

**o**

"_What?!_" Artemis cried, completely discarding his cool and composed demeanour and jumping up, "I _hate _lollipops! I _despise _lollipops! I _abhor _lollipops! I –"

He stopped short as he heard a cough from Juliet's direction. "_Overreaction_," she said, not so discreet this time. Artemis huffed, and was just about to retort back at her before Holly complained that he was blocking her view.

**o**

_There is a stack of lollipop sticks in the corner._

HS: Good job, everyone! Now we've got fifty lollipop sticks!

AF: Awesome! Now we –

**o**

"What ridiculous jargon is this? '_Awesome'_?!"

**o**

AF: … all of them together and tie them to my waist.

HS: Oh, good show, Artemis!

B: (Beams proudly)

HS: This way we're sure to stop the plane from crashing!

_Scene shows plane spiralling down at an impossibly slow rate._

_Commercial._

**o**

Everyone was silent for a second or two, until they all burst into laughter simultaneously. Except for Artemis of course, who was not amused. "What nonsense. A string of _lollipop_ –" he said the word as if it were a particularly bad piece of quiche, "sticks won't keep a grown boy from falling off the wing of a plane. And they didn't even consider the difference in pressure! The plane is falling, for Pete's sake! Any small hole in the exterior would result in even more chaos!"

The small group had grown silent during his little speech, but burst into laughter again once he finished. He 'hmpf'ed them all and sank back into the couch. Holly, who seemed to be sharing a love-hate relationship with the show, stopped suddenly and thought. "How did they end up with fifty lollipop sticks?" she mused.

"They ate them, of course," Artemis Senior said with a hearty chuckle.

"And is it just me, or did the commercial come on really quick?"

Everyone stopped for a moment, trying to recall. "Nope," Juliet answered, "Remember the previous episode? The first part was like, five minutes, and the second was the rest."

Artemis was muttering sulkily and walking away, and no one could really hear what he was saying. "… such incompetence… would never eat… sue them, for sure… horrible director… I _hate_ lollipops…"

Little did they know that the minute he reached the safety of the bathroom, he whipped out his phone and keyed into the address bar, ''.

'The #1 Fan Source for the hit show, The Adventures Of Artemis Fowl!' a bright banner declared. His face was set in a grim line as he wrote a complaint about the lack of funds. A rubber chicken! Really! It just wouldn't do.

* * *

**an; **As usual, apologies for the ungodly amount of time I took to edit this.


End file.
